Just Breath
The Art of the Pause: How to Use a Simple Breathing Technique to Stay Calm in a Negotiation
The nerves are high when the stakes are high. It's a daunting task for anyone to manage their nervous system during a difficult conversation. Our bodies often want to go into 'fight or flight' mode, a physiological state that leads to reactive, rather than rational, decision-making. That moment your blood rushes to your head, your heart pounds, and you feel the words get away from you. This article is based on 14 years of Mishkin Cyr's negotiation experience and countless industry research, with some sources at the end. Even experts face this challenge; I remember being on a podcast and my screen died mid-conversation, but a moment of pause and a breath allowed me to regain composure.
The "Fight or Flight" Trap in Negotiation ⚠️
In high-pressure scenarios, stress and anxiety can lead to a state of panic where your mind becomes 'clouded' by the moment. When our nervous system is activated, we become reactive and our brain's focus shifts to survival. In this state, we are unable to listen well, think creatively, or have genuine empathy for the person across from us. The ability to manage your nervous system is therefore a key pillar to success in negotiation.
So how can you manage your nerves in the middle of a tough conversation?
The Physiological Sigh: The Breathing Technique That Changes Everything 😮💨
The best technique I have ever learned for this is incorporating what is called the "Physiological Sigh". It is a built-in biological mechanism our bodies perform involuntarily, but we can perform it intentionally in a negotiation. The research consistently highlights this technique as the "fastest way to reduce stress in real-time".
This unique breathing pattern works by activating the parasympathetic nervous system, the branch responsible for the body’s "rest and digest" state. The double inhale forces tiny air sacs in your lungs to reinflate, maximizing oxygen absorption and offloading CO2, which contributes to feelings of agitation and anxiety.
It's a physiological reset that calms your mind.
Here is how to do it.
Here is how to do it subtly in a conversation:
Inhale: Calmly and quietly, almost imperceptibly, breathe in through your nose for about 4 seconds.
Sip: Take a second, shorter "sip" of air to fill your lungs to their maximum capacity.
Exhale: Slowly and completely exhale through your mouth or nose.
Note: This create what feels like a long pause in a conversation and we will discuss the secondary power of that below.
As you may have noticed, this creates a natural pause in the conversation, sometimes lasting up to 8 seconds. This is a perfect example of the dual power of this technique. Not only does it regulate your nervous system, but it also builds an impactful pause in the flow of the conversation.
Most of us will be uncomfortable with that kind of silence but…
Silence is a powerful tool in negotiation.
Here is why.
Why a Pause Builds Trust and Control
The pause is a subtle yet extremely powerful tool. When you ask someone how their day was, and they respond instantly without thinking, often it feels reactionary and lacks meaning. But you ask someone how their days is and take a moment to pause, think about it, and then respond, immediately, we feel, “oh, they actually thought about the answer” and trust goes up.
This pause also has an immense impact on you. The pause allows you to collect your thoughts and move from a reflexive reaction to a thoughtful response.
The pause will also give authority and weight to what ever you say next.
The Breath and Pause: A Firsthand Account of Negotiation with Dignity
I remember a high-stakes negotiation where someone said something that questioned my integrity in a boardroom. My blood rushed to my head, and I wanted to lash out. But instead, I took that breath. The pause after their comment created a dead silence. Everyone could feel the tension. The person had clearly overstepped. That pause, though, gave me time to reply calmly and say, 'Did you mean to be offensive?'
The silence gave my question weight and authority. And my question gave them the opportunity to double down or back off. Instead of reacting and escalating, it gave them the space to pick the next direction. As you'll find, most people will choose to back down if you do this. It also maintains the space for them to regain their sense of dignity and recover from embarrassment.
This person backed off and apologized, completely changing the outcome of that negotiation. Imagine if I had reacted and taken the bait.
Practice Like a Sport: From Knowledge to Muscle Memory
The modern world gives us a paradox: knowledge is everywhere, but it's not enough. You can't learn negotiation from an article any more than you can learn to play a sport from a book. True mastery comes from practice.
This is why I teach "practice like a sport." I practice this breathing technique all the time in low-stakes conversations, whether it's at dinner with my wife or in a casual chat with a colleague. This makes the technique a reflex so that when a difficult moment does arise, my body already knows what to do.
Three Low-Stakes Moments to Practice Today
This is how you turn knowledge into muscle memory. You don't have to wait for a high-stakes meeting to start training.
Your Coffee Order: The next time you're at a coffee shop, take a subtle breath and a small pause before you place your order. This is a simple, no-pressure way to practice the technique.
A Simple Question from a Colleague: The next time a colleague asks you, "How's your day?" or a simple question, practice taking a silent breath before you respond. This is a direct way to build the muscle memory so it's there when you need it.
The Next Email You Write: Before you hit "send" on an email—especially one that's difficult or emotional—take a conscious pause and a deep breath. This is an easy way to move from a reaction to a thoughtful response.
Now what?
Negotiation is a skill that must be trained. By incorporating the Physiological Sigh into your toolkit, you gain a potent, covert means to manage your internal state, ensuring you remain composed and clear-headed even in the most challenging discussions. It also naturally builds in a powerful pause mechanism that can improve the impact of your next word. It can help build trust and ground others in the room.
This internal mastery directly supports the goal of achieving "win-win outcomes while upholding the dignity of everyone in the room," transforming potential conflict into constructive dialogue.
So my advice is this. Practice it. Practice it and then do it some more. Start in easy conversations and work it in. Over time bring it in to tougher conversations.
You can also read about the difference between Negotiation, Bargaining and Bartering.
Ready to Train Your Negotiation Muscle?
Most leaders wing it in the moments that matter most and walk away with doubt, regret, or missed outcomes. The Cyr Method's free Negations Skill assessment asks 16 simple questions to help you get clarity. You’ll get a tailored report with quick wins to improve how you negotiate and a deeper understanding of your mindset, emotional grounding, and conversation control.
See how you stack up. Find out what might be holding you back.
You can also find training options here:
Bonus: Beyond the Sigh - How it Compares to Other Techniques
While other popular techniques like Box Breathing and 4-7-8 Breathing are highly effective for general stress management, the Physiological Sigh is uniquely suited for high-stakes negotiation. Many other techniques often require "more overt actions" or "distinct hand positions," making them impractical for use during a conversation.
The Physiological Sigh is a superior choice for immediate self-regulation because:
Covert Application: Its core mechanism can be performed with "minimal outward cues," making it "inherently less noticeable". A quick, quiet double inhale and a slightly longer exhale can easily be mistaken for a natural adjustment in breathing or a momentary pause for thought.
Rapid Impact: Research shows it is "more effective than box breathing... in improving mood" and provides an "immediate and profound impact on the nervous system". This rapid effect is critical in a negotiation where you need to regain composure quickly and seamlessly.
Optimal for Real-Time Use: Unlike techniques that require disengaging from the activity, the Physiological Sigh allows for immediate self-regulation within the ongoing interaction. This ensures you can maintain presence and control without needing to physically or mentally "check out" of the conversation.
