Seeing Past the Surface in Negotiation
How to Uncover the Real Issues in Negotiation: Moving Past Surface Statements to Build Lasting Agreements
Why the First Thing You Hear Usually Isn’t the Real Issue
Surface labels are common:
“This is too expensive.”
“We don’t think it’s a fit.”
“We need more time.”
“Too much risk.”
On their own, these sound like fixed positions. In reality, they often mask deeper concerns such as fear of making a bad decision, not feeling in control, or lacking internal support.
I learned this the hard way in a high-stakes leadership moment years ago.
Thirty days into a new hire’s role, I was ready to fire them.
On paper, it looked like a clear failure. No results. The company was under pressure. We had just gone through layoffs. To make it worse, I had recruited them from a stable job, so the stakes felt even higher. I told myself it was “executive clarity.” In reality, it was fear.
Before my next call with him, something slowed me down. That voice in my head... “Don’t act yet. Go and understand more.”
So I sat down with them and asked questions:
“How do you think things are going?”
“How clear have I been?”
“What’s blocked you?”
“What are your days looking like right now?”
The answers were humbling. This was not a capability problem. It was a leadership problem, my leadership problem. I had dropped them into chaos without the clarity, resources, or support they needed to succeed.
We reset expectations, set clear targets, and stripped away the roadblocks. Within a month, they were leading our pipeline. Three months later, they had closed over $100,000 in new revenue.
If I had acted on the surface label of “failing,” I would have ended someone’s career and lost an incredible contributor. Even if we had “Negotiated” a path forward. Without me understanding, I would have damaged trust. What saved the situation was resisting the urge to react and instead digging until I understood the real driver.
In business deals this can lead to “Buying Deals", we give concessions to save the deal because we didn’t dig a little deaper.
That moment reinforced a truth I’ve carried into every high-stakes negotiation since:
You cannot solve the right problem until you and the other side can name it together.
Why the First Thing You Hear or Think Usually Isn’t the Real Issue
Surface labels are common:
“This is too expensive.”
“We don’t think it’s a fit.”
“We need more time.”
“To much risk.”
On their own, these sound like fixed positions. In reality, they often mask deeper concerns such as fear of making a bad decision, not feeling in control, or lacking internal support.
The same thing happens with words like risk. On its own, “risk” is vague. In one deal, I asked:
“How do you set your risk tolerance?”
That forced the other side to move from a broad, defensive label to something concrete. If they did not have a clear process, we could define it together. If they did, I knew exactly what I was working with.
This shift matters because negotiation research consistently shows that sharing and clarifying interests leads to better agreements than haggling over positions. The moment you move from labels to specific, testable needs, you slide into Bargaining Vs Negotiating.
A Three-Step Tool for Surfacing the Real Issue
1. Pause
Give space before responding, even just 3 to 5 seconds.
MIT research shows that well-timed silence triggers more deliberative thinking and leads to more integrative (win-win) solutions.
You cold use the phycological sigh here.
2. Clarify, Reflect or Reframe
Ask one perspective-taking question that seeks meaning behind thier last comments, not just more detail:
“When you say risk, which outcomes matter most this quarter?”
“What would tell you in 90 days that this was the right decision?”
“Who else will be most affected if this goes wrong?”
Harvard Business School studies show that responsive follow-up questions increase both disclosure and trust. The aim is not to bond for its own sake. The aim is to shift the conversation from a single-issue tug of war to a multi-issue problem-solving session.
You can also use reflection here. Calmly repeating the last few key words they used, in a curious and non-confrontational tone, often prompts them to explain or defend their position in more depth.
“The price is too high?” … and then wait. Give them the space to fill the silence and reveal what is really behind their statement.
3. Test
Say the need back in your own words and invite correction:
“Sounds like this is less about sticker price and more about whether you can defend the decision internally. Is that right?”
If they confirm, you start to design and explore solutions tied to that need with them. If they correct you, you have still advanced toward the real driver.
Before You Concede, Check Four Things
Before you respond or make a concession, run through four quick checks:
Definition: Do I fully understand what they mean by the words they used?
Alignment: Have I confirmed my understanding with them, so we both agree on it?
Path Forward: If this concern is resolved or neutralize, by either side, will the deal actually move forward?
Proof: What signal will show the concern is no longer an obstacle?
The solution does not always have to come from you. In many cases, once the real driver is on the table, the other side finds their own workaround or simply stops treating it as a barrier. Your role is to create the clarity and conditions for that to happen.
Your job is not to rush in with fixes. It is to keep the real problem visible, help the room see it from new angles, and stay there long enough for better options to emerge.
Practice in Low-Stakes Conversations
You do not build this skill in the middle of a seven-figure deal. You build it over coffee, in team meetings, or on casual calls.
Coffee with a friend: Ask them to share a vague frustration. Clarify it in two questions or less.
Team meeting: Listen for one label such as “too slow” or “too risky” and translate it into a testable need.
Routine call: Practice the pause. One breath, one question, one confirmation.
The reps you take in small moments make you sharper when the stakes are high.
Ready to Train Your Negotiation Muscle?
Most leaders wing it in the moments that matter most and walk away with doubt, regret, or missed outcomes. The Cyr Method's free Negations Skill assessment asks 16 simple questions to help you get clarity. You’ll get a tailored report with quick wins to improve how you negotiate and a deeper understanding of your mindset, emotional grounding, and conversation control.
See how you stack up. Find out what might be holding you back.
You can also find training options here:
Bonus: The Science Behind It
The pause, clarify, test loop works because it taps into how people think and decide under pressure.
A few seconds of silence gives the other side’s brain time to shift from defending a position to considering options. MIT research shows this creates more creative, win-win outcomes because it interrupts the reflex to argue.
Follow-up questions have a similar effect. Harvard studies found they uncover more useful information and make people more willing to share it. This shapes the conversation toward problem-solving instead of staying stuck on positions.
Taking the other side’s perspective by asking how they will measure success or who else will be affected improves outcomes for both sides. Naming emotions, even briefly, reduces their hidden impact on decisions.
In lower trust situations, tools like MESOs (multiple equivalent offers) and contingent contracts reveal priorities without giving away your position.
These are not tricks. They are practical ways to work with how people naturally think, decide, and build trust so you can reach better agreements that last.
Closing Thought
You cannot solve the right problem until you and the other side can name it together.
Until then, you are negotiating with the surface.
When you combine the pause, a curiosity-driven clarifier, and a testable confirmation, you move from reacting to real problem-solving. That is where trust grows, deals last, and dignity stays intact for everyone in the room.
You can find out more about our training options here: Negotiation Training
Some Sources
It Helps to Ask: The Cumulative Benefits of Asking Follow-up Question - Harvard Business School
Silence is Golden: Extended Silence, Deliberative Mindset, and Value Creation in Negotiation - MIT
